You’re allowed to think whatever you want

Even if you’re a doctor

My son isn't afraid to show his negative emotions (after I wouldn't let him run onto the road)

I don’t know if it’s hospital medicine, or if it’s a function of the stress on our healthcare system, but I’ve had some challenging patient encounters recently.

Like I said in my last post, healthcare is often a high-stress environment. Understandably, emotions can run high.

I had a patient yell at me last week because of his own misunderstanding of his circumstances in the hospital. It had nothing to do with me, except for the fact that I was there and must have seemed like a safe person on which to unleash his frustration.

This particular patient’s behaviour on this particular day was particularly triggering. I don’t know if it was the heat wave, having to deal with multiple system issues in the hospital, or being under more stress lately, but I was furious.

Of course, I did my best to hide it. I swallowed my pride and apologized to him for the unfortunate situation he was dealing with. I said, “I can see how frustrated you are about this. Let me talk to my preceptor and see what we can do to find a solution.”

And then I left the room.

(And walked right into the next room in the hospital where the patient thanked me for the care I’d provided him and said that I’m an excellent physician. So many highs and lows in healthcare.)

My preceptor was empathetic when I told him about what had happened. He asked me to come with him to see the patient again to tell him of our potential solution. The patient ultimately apologized to me for raising his voice, and said it was nothing personal.

In moments when I really feel my humanity, with all its thoughts and feelings and imperfection, I remind myself of something I embraced in medical school:

I’m allowed to think whatever I want. But I must act in a way that does right by my patient.

I feel calmer when I remember that no one can hear my thoughts. Plus, as anyone who has delved into meditation and mindfulness knows, we are not our thoughts – we are the ones observing them.

Thoughts are fleeting.

They come to us unbidden.

(My friend’s mom wrote a song with this line in it – it’s beautiful and has stayed with me for years.)

But our actions are what matter in life.

I’ve already forgiven myself for the feeling of fury I experienced in this patient encounter. I did right by my patient by being respectful and looking for a way to resolve the problem.

We’re all perfectly flawed humans trying to care for other perfectly flawed humans. Keep treating your patients with the utmost respect, and don’t beat yourself up for having negative thoughts while working in this extraordinary, if intense, profession.

Stay well friends,

Dr. Kuhnow